Perfect?

I often wonder if I have been the best person I know how to be. I have slipped and fallen flat on my face and yet I manage to pick myself up and trudge on. I want to be this perfect image of what a mother should be, but I wonder if it is for my kids or trying to prove something to myself or my own demons with my mother.

I won't lay out some sob story about my childhood but its no secret that my mom and I have never had a good relationship. She disapproved of me getting married, of having Iz, of having Logan, and now my soon to be baby.

The funny thing is the things she disapproves of most are the things that have brought me the most happiness. Its funny to think that the most important things in my life didn't exist 5 years ago.

I just wanted to be perfect. I never wanted to make a mistake with my kids and I find myself struggling with that. I wish I could go easier on myself and just accept that people are flawed and that is how we learn and grow as people. I can honestly say that I have grown more in these last three years because of my children. I have never loved someone as deeply and yet been hurt as badly as I am when they hurt. I know that I am my own worst enemy and until I can not just accept my dark side but actually learn to love that side, I will never be more....not better but more of what my potential is. I believe that every one of us has so much potential to be great things if we got out of our own ways. I hope that one day I can be a great person more to myself then to everyone else because in the end my opinion of myself should be the only opinion that matters.