Where the Heck is Stuart Smalley when I Need Him?

I have spent the better part of my life struggling with my own identity. It seems as if day by day I grow more frustrated with myself and often embarassed. Perhaps it is the military brat in me or the need to live with no regrets or simply the fact that I am a ridiculous people pleaser that brings me my pain.

Whenever I "screw up" or fumble all over myself and upset someone I try to rectify the situation immediately sometimes before I have even allowed for cooling down for the other person. I can honestly say given my parents constant fighting and tumultous relationship and my mother's honest contempt of me (no joking she actually told me she didn't like me when I was 6 years old because I reminded her of all the things she disliked in herself) I feel as if I don't deserve to be loved. That somehow there is nothing but ugliness and anyone who gets too close will run away laughing at what a pitful mess I am. So every day I overcompensate by throwing myself on people, lavishing gifts and compliments on them, going above and beyond so quickly that people are put off by my lame attempts to bribe them into liking me. So what I get from this viscious cycle is more of the same me feeling worthless and unloved and trying to MAKE people like me and inadvertently pushing them further and further away with my obsessive compulsive behavior. What is wrong with me? Why can't I see myself as a beautiful disaster and accept that not everyone is going to like me and not everyone will forgive me when I screw up no matter what I do?

Sometimes I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror and see what shame and sadness lies beneath my eyes. Sure I have not experienced anything worse than anyone else in life but yet when I am faced with rejection I allow it to overcome me instead of making me stronger. I want to get to a point where I can face the struggles and say "FUCK YOU I AM SPECIAL AND UNIQUE THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER GUINEVERE EVE"

But for now I will continue to listen to my sob story music and muse on what my life used to be like when I had glimpses of true unadulterated happiness. I will say this though that I am a woman who desires no strike that...needs to be loved and wanted. As soon as you take that away not once but twice I am broken and I will never be worth anything for any man who is brave enough to come near.