My Rebirth

I have recently decided to buzz my hair from 16 inches down to a 1/2 inch in support of my friend who is undergoing chemo. What's interesting is that in doing so I have found that I personally have gained something from this experience. Up until now I don't think I "got it." What life is really about, I mean. I decided that with the loss of my hair, I was also shedding the past and that I have a rare opportunity to start fresh....to let go of the past and the people that I cannot force to want me in their lives.

I sat with my friend during her chemo and we read from a philosophy textbook and I asked her "what is identity, what defines you?" I find myself wondering what that question entails and here is what I know thus far (though I believe this is a work in progress which changes as we grow).

I am me, simply put. I am a sinner and a saint and at the end of the day I am enough. I had grand expectations of myself by 25 and I realized all I need to be is myself and that is more than satisfactory but exactly where I should be. I cannot ask anyone else to change or to be anything but themselves and in return I don't need to expect anything more of myself. It is what it is and although change will always be painful, but necessary....I find myself grasping for answers to questions that were never meant to be answered.

I am here to gain whatever lessons I can and whether I find myself alone or with a life partner I realize that I'll always be enough. In knowing this I shall never feel lonely or desolate. Life will always be a little or a lot more then my expectations but again it is what it is and all I can control is my attitude. I cannot begin to described the feeling of weightlessness I feel and of bittersweetness. Shedding the past is frightening but exciting all in one. I ultimately look forward to ever thing life has in store for me.

Forgiveness

I look back on some of these past posts and I am saddened that I have lamented on so much and wasted what little time I have here on earth we these aimless ramblings. Alas, what can you do. I have been focusing a lot these past few months and weeks on this quote "life is about the journey not the destination." Isn't that the truth, how many times have I counted down to a vacation or a holiday only to be disappointed the actual day it occurs?

Today I have the ability to change this and make things different and gees I hope it sticks this time;). So here goes....

I am fallible I will never live up to my own ideas of perfection and that's okay. I want my children to see me fall and to see how I pick myself back up and get back in the game. I want to teach them that its not necessarily that you made a mistake but if you "manned up" and faced the consequences and accepted them. I have made foolish choices in my life and sometimes it took me more than once to learn the lesson, but that's okay, too.

I read this absolutely perfect passage that really helps me forgive myself for a lot of things. It basically states that we, as humans, have basic human needs and of course wants but needs are things that when, unfulfilled we tend to do anything possible to obtain, no matter what the costs may be. These are not excuses but people who never made any mistakes are very judgemental and tortured souls. So anyway here's the passage

"We all have emotional needs that need to be fulfilled.-to love and be loved, to have companionship, to feel that you are respected and to respect others. You need sympathy and compassion from others, and you need to express your own sympathy and compassion for them. When you do well you need recognition and appreciation and when you don't do well you need forgiveness and understanding. You need outlets for your sexual drive, a need that is both physical on the hormonal level and a quest for intimacy on the emotional level."

Although I don't necessarily think that the aforementioned piece is an excuse for hurting others it does allow for more forgiveness as we are all struggling to be the best that we can.

Perfect?

I often wonder if I have been the best person I know how to be. I have slipped and fallen flat on my face and yet I manage to pick myself up and trudge on. I want to be this perfect image of what a mother should be, but I wonder if it is for my kids or trying to prove something to myself or my own demons with my mother.

I won't lay out some sob story about my childhood but its no secret that my mom and I have never had a good relationship. She disapproved of me getting married, of having Iz, of having Logan, and now my soon to be baby.

The funny thing is the things she disapproves of most are the things that have brought me the most happiness. Its funny to think that the most important things in my life didn't exist 5 years ago.

I just wanted to be perfect. I never wanted to make a mistake with my kids and I find myself struggling with that. I wish I could go easier on myself and just accept that people are flawed and that is how we learn and grow as people. I can honestly say that I have grown more in these last three years because of my children. I have never loved someone as deeply and yet been hurt as badly as I am when they hurt. I know that I am my own worst enemy and until I can not just accept my dark side but actually learn to love that side, I will never be more....not better but more of what my potential is. I believe that every one of us has so much potential to be great things if we got out of our own ways. I hope that one day I can be a great person more to myself then to everyone else because in the end my opinion of myself should be the only opinion that matters.

Where the Heck is Stuart Smalley when I Need Him?

I have spent the better part of my life struggling with my own identity. It seems as if day by day I grow more frustrated with myself and often embarassed. Perhaps it is the military brat in me or the need to live with no regrets or simply the fact that I am a ridiculous people pleaser that brings me my pain.

Whenever I "screw up" or fumble all over myself and upset someone I try to rectify the situation immediately sometimes before I have even allowed for cooling down for the other person. I can honestly say given my parents constant fighting and tumultous relationship and my mother's honest contempt of me (no joking she actually told me she didn't like me when I was 6 years old because I reminded her of all the things she disliked in herself) I feel as if I don't deserve to be loved. That somehow there is nothing but ugliness and anyone who gets too close will run away laughing at what a pitful mess I am. So every day I overcompensate by throwing myself on people, lavishing gifts and compliments on them, going above and beyond so quickly that people are put off by my lame attempts to bribe them into liking me. So what I get from this viscious cycle is more of the same me feeling worthless and unloved and trying to MAKE people like me and inadvertently pushing them further and further away with my obsessive compulsive behavior. What is wrong with me? Why can't I see myself as a beautiful disaster and accept that not everyone is going to like me and not everyone will forgive me when I screw up no matter what I do?

Sometimes I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror and see what shame and sadness lies beneath my eyes. Sure I have not experienced anything worse than anyone else in life but yet when I am faced with rejection I allow it to overcome me instead of making me stronger. I want to get to a point where I can face the struggles and say "FUCK YOU I AM SPECIAL AND UNIQUE THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER GUINEVERE EVE"

But for now I will continue to listen to my sob story music and muse on what my life used to be like when I had glimpses of true unadulterated happiness. I will say this though that I am a woman who desires no strike that...needs to be loved and wanted. As soon as you take that away not once but twice I am broken and I will never be worth anything for any man who is brave enough to come near.

Marriage

I think I have finally realized the full weight/responsibility of being a mother and sacrificing. For better or for worse I am with my husband. He is truly my best friend but there are times that I wish I could be single again fantasizing about what true love might really be like. Perhaps I have become disillusioned by all these fairytales I watched as a child. I find myself longing for a new partner perhaps but understanding that no matter who I am with I will always feel this deep seeded loneliness. I realize that no man can fill this deep ache I have but somehow I wish they could.

My husband is a wonderful man he truly is. I think of every other man I have ever dated and I know what I have and appreciate it, but I long to be with someone who appreciates me, thanks his lucky stars to have found me and have me. My husband always seems to be wrapped up in what he is doing and what he wants. Its hard to even get him to talk and listen. Is it wrong to be losing interest in him day by day? I think to myself "is this what I am going to have for the next 60 years maybe worse as years go by?" I don't expect fire and intensity obviously, I know that those things fade, but gees we have only been married for 3 years and he is losing interest. I haven't gained any weight, have not given up on my appearance or general hygiene. Have I really changed that much that he is disinterested after so little time?

Perhaps I am the sort of person to engage one's interest for a short period of time, but then lose it soon after. I often wonder if I am a wife/marriage material or simply good for a short run.