Where the Heck is Stuart Smalley when I Need Him?

I have spent the better part of my life struggling with my own identity. It seems as if day by day I grow more frustrated with myself and often embarassed. Perhaps it is the military brat in me or the need to live with no regrets or simply the fact that I am a ridiculous people pleaser that brings me my pain.

Whenever I "screw up" or fumble all over myself and upset someone I try to rectify the situation immediately sometimes before I have even allowed for cooling down for the other person. I can honestly say given my parents constant fighting and tumultous relationship and my mother's honest contempt of me (no joking she actually told me she didn't like me when I was 6 years old because I reminded her of all the things she disliked in herself) I feel as if I don't deserve to be loved. That somehow there is nothing but ugliness and anyone who gets too close will run away laughing at what a pitful mess I am. So every day I overcompensate by throwing myself on people, lavishing gifts and compliments on them, going above and beyond so quickly that people are put off by my lame attempts to bribe them into liking me. So what I get from this viscious cycle is more of the same me feeling worthless and unloved and trying to MAKE people like me and inadvertently pushing them further and further away with my obsessive compulsive behavior. What is wrong with me? Why can't I see myself as a beautiful disaster and accept that not everyone is going to like me and not everyone will forgive me when I screw up no matter what I do?

Sometimes I am afraid to look at myself in the mirror and see what shame and sadness lies beneath my eyes. Sure I have not experienced anything worse than anyone else in life but yet when I am faced with rejection I allow it to overcome me instead of making me stronger. I want to get to a point where I can face the struggles and say "FUCK YOU I AM SPECIAL AND UNIQUE THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER GUINEVERE EVE"

But for now I will continue to listen to my sob story music and muse on what my life used to be like when I had glimpses of true unadulterated happiness. I will say this though that I am a woman who desires no strike that...needs to be loved and wanted. As soon as you take that away not once but twice I am broken and I will never be worth anything for any man who is brave enough to come near.

Marriage

I think I have finally realized the full weight/responsibility of being a mother and sacrificing. For better or for worse I am with my husband. He is truly my best friend but there are times that I wish I could be single again fantasizing about what true love might really be like. Perhaps I have become disillusioned by all these fairytales I watched as a child. I find myself longing for a new partner perhaps but understanding that no matter who I am with I will always feel this deep seeded loneliness. I realize that no man can fill this deep ache I have but somehow I wish they could.

My husband is a wonderful man he truly is. I think of every other man I have ever dated and I know what I have and appreciate it, but I long to be with someone who appreciates me, thanks his lucky stars to have found me and have me. My husband always seems to be wrapped up in what he is doing and what he wants. Its hard to even get him to talk and listen. Is it wrong to be losing interest in him day by day? I think to myself "is this what I am going to have for the next 60 years maybe worse as years go by?" I don't expect fire and intensity obviously, I know that those things fade, but gees we have only been married for 3 years and he is losing interest. I haven't gained any weight, have not given up on my appearance or general hygiene. Have I really changed that much that he is disinterested after so little time?

Perhaps I am the sort of person to engage one's interest for a short period of time, but then lose it soon after. I often wonder if I am a wife/marriage material or simply good for a short run.