I have had an epiphany of sorts maybe I always knew. Why are men and women so different? Or is it that we tend to gravitate towards those who are opposite us instead of gravitating towards others who are similar.
As a wife and mother I realize that my "job" is 24/7 while my spouse's is 40 hours a week. He comes home to a clean home, hot meal on the table, laundry put away, etc and relaxes. It appears that he never really notices or questions how those clothes got put away, why the kids are clean, fed and in bed by 7. His job ends after a certain amount of PAID hours and mine never even allows an hour to myself. My children sleep on different napping schedules you see. My day begins at 6 am and ends at 7. Now at this point I hope others can appreciate that by 7pm I want to take a shower (because I haven't had one all day) and have some adult conversation. I feel that when you are courting (before the sex gets involved) you get an eager listener out of your male counterpart. They seem to hang on your every word and are perfectly content simply cuddling on the couch occasionally. However, once you sleep with them that is all that matters. I never quite understood what my female ancestors meant when they said that sex becomes just the last chore of the day. I never considered myself a resentful person but now it becomes a resentment. And I have to say the idea of even working full time and still doing the household chores and taking care of the kids and HIS needs scares me beyond belief...how can I manage if I can't seem to make it as a stay at home mom.
I find myself looking at this Jon and Kate Gosselin stuff unfolding and thinking "yes yes he wants to go out and live life and be wild but where is her turn?" It could make a person go crazy thinking that when we as couples made the choice (as a couple) to have children we women never fully grasped that we would in all essence actually be single parents.
I never realized how lonely you could feel being surrounded by a sea of people. There are definitely days I would love to just walk away from everything here, but then I realize that my children would never trust me again and I could never forgive myself. And as I write my own book of life I realize that my choices even today decide what I will have to look back on when I read my completed book called life.
Still....it would be nice to have a best friend, a partner, someone who makes me feel like I am on top of the world. Instead I find myself always angry, resentful, even contemplating why I am married if I am truly alone anyway.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Certainly not my First and Most Likely not my Last
So as I sit here staring at an empty screen, I realize that I am at a loss as to where to start exactly. However, words have never been my problem;).
I wonder what keeps us all going from the tedium of the every day. What makes certain people truly passionate about life while others muddle through avoiding any contact with danger. I find that as I age it becomes harder and harder for me to feel happy. Strike that...it takes MORE for me to feel happy. I can remember times not so long ago where watching the sun set was enough to make me happy and now I expect vacations and such to do the trick. What was it that made me so different then where I could be fulfilled by such small things and now I have trouble. Sometimes I feel that the culprit of this need to have more to be happy is the responsibility that weighs so heavy on my chest as well as the bittrsweetness I feel at being an adult.
For years I impatiently waited to be 16...18...21...25, and now I wish I had enjoyed those years and what they stood for...independence, naivete, innocence. The world seems harsher now, more unforgiving and with each new daunting task I overcome I feel a little more hardened to the ways of the world, a little more untrusting. Sure this may seem a little cynical but I heard a quote once which is truly fitting..."a cynic is simply a disappointed idealist." I am not always a cynic but I have definitely had my share of difficult experiences as has everyone I realize but we all have our ways of coping with these events.
The real question I face at the end of this lamenting is this...how can I overcome my fear? That's really what it is all about...my fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of abandonment, my overall fear that some day I will look back and wonder "what if.."
I wonder what keeps us all going from the tedium of the every day. What makes certain people truly passionate about life while others muddle through avoiding any contact with danger. I find that as I age it becomes harder and harder for me to feel happy. Strike that...it takes MORE for me to feel happy. I can remember times not so long ago where watching the sun set was enough to make me happy and now I expect vacations and such to do the trick. What was it that made me so different then where I could be fulfilled by such small things and now I have trouble. Sometimes I feel that the culprit of this need to have more to be happy is the responsibility that weighs so heavy on my chest as well as the bittrsweetness I feel at being an adult.
For years I impatiently waited to be 16...18...21...25, and now I wish I had enjoyed those years and what they stood for...independence, naivete, innocence. The world seems harsher now, more unforgiving and with each new daunting task I overcome I feel a little more hardened to the ways of the world, a little more untrusting. Sure this may seem a little cynical but I heard a quote once which is truly fitting..."a cynic is simply a disappointed idealist." I am not always a cynic but I have definitely had my share of difficult experiences as has everyone I realize but we all have our ways of coping with these events.
The real question I face at the end of this lamenting is this...how can I overcome my fear? That's really what it is all about...my fear of rejection, fear of failing, fear of abandonment, my overall fear that some day I will look back and wonder "what if.."
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