I have recently decided to buzz my hair from 16 inches down to a 1/2 inch in support of my friend who is undergoing chemo. What's interesting is that in doing so I have found that I personally have gained something from this experience. Up until now I don't think I "got it." What life is really about, I mean. I decided that with the loss of my hair, I was also shedding the past and that I have a rare opportunity to start fresh....to let go of the past and the people that I cannot force to want me in their lives.
I sat with my friend during her chemo and we read from a philosophy textbook and I asked her "what is identity, what defines you?" I find myself wondering what that question entails and here is what I know thus far (though I believe this is a work in progress which changes as we grow).
I am me, simply put. I am a sinner and a saint and at the end of the day I am enough. I had grand expectations of myself by 25 and I realized all I need to be is myself and that is more than satisfactory but exactly where I should be. I cannot ask anyone else to change or to be anything but themselves and in return I don't need to expect anything more of myself. It is what it is and although change will always be painful, but necessary....I find myself grasping for answers to questions that were never meant to be answered.
I am here to gain whatever lessons I can and whether I find myself alone or with a life partner I realize that I'll always be enough. In knowing this I shall never feel lonely or desolate. Life will always be a little or a lot more then my expectations but again it is what it is and all I can control is my attitude. I cannot begin to described the feeling of weightlessness I feel and of bittersweetness. Shedding the past is frightening but exciting all in one. I ultimately look forward to ever thing life has in store for me.
